Star Trek: The Next Generation
(Episode "The Best of Both Worlds: Part I")
Science Fiction Television series (1987 until 1994)
Starship Enterprise NCC 1701 D
We are Borg.
You will be assimilated.
Resistance is futile!
Star Trek: The Sexed Generation
(Episode "The Breast Of Both Girls: Part I")
Parody script using analogy for a political point
Starship Enterprise NC-17 D
We Are Whorg.
You will be ejaculated.
Abstinence is futile!
Return to Virgin Resistance! homepage
Communicate with me! Ultrafaction's Pony Express
(This script will be redone and enhanced; I'll include Troi, Crusher, Shelby and maybe even the SEQUEL!)
Parody of:Star Trek Next Generation: "Q Who" and "Best Of Both Worlds" (Borg)
Captain's Log (Stardate 462232.43434
We are on our way to the 2370 Galactic Republican Convention and heading toward the Celibacy System. We should be arriving, with no delay, shortly...
RIKER - Captain, we are approaching our designated coordinates. The shuttlecraft is prepared as scheduled.
PICARD - Very well, Number One. When my convention speech is over, I will shuttle back to Starbase 121 and rendezvous with the Enterprise, during it's maintenance check.
[Picard enters turbolift and goes to cargo bay. He boards shuttle. Shuttle clears]
Q - Well, well, Mon' Capitan', I see you're enjoying a little time off of the Enterprise!
PICARD - Q, what the DEVIL are you doing here? Enterprise, beam me off shuttlecraft!!
Q - You will find that will kill you Picard. I've arranged for a little privacy. You see, we're billions of light years away from any Federation ship.
PICARD - Q, I am not in the mood for any of your games! It's the first time in a while that we haven't been threatened by something dangerous and I intended to enjoy this peaceful delegation assignment!!
Q - Jean Luc, must you be so naive?? You've never been in any danger AT ALL! You, or anyone else in the Federation has never SEEN danger. Is that what you think you are ready for? Why don't I prove to you----
PICARD - Q, we have met countless challenges in space. We have made it through decades of social decay and survived through the tests of time. We have witnessed the DEATH of modern liberalism. We have Rush Limbaugh; we have a Republican Congress; we are ready for the dangers to which you have to expose us. Now, enough with this teasing!! Bring my ship back to me!
Q - Oh, I intend to, Mon' Capitan'!! I will bring your ship in this area of space, with you. You'll find out what danger is! The ARROGANCE!! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! The bra burners, the dope smokers, the evolutionists, the social engineers, the feminists, the multi-culturalists, the politically correct... They're NOTHING!!!!! You aren't ready for what's out here...[Flashes away]
RIKER - Captain, either our sensors have malfunctioned, or we are in a foreign area of space. We just regained track of you. Where were you?
PICARD - I'm afraid Q has paid us a visit once more, Number One. I'll explain when I dock.
[Scene cuts to Engineering]
GEORDI - Well, Captain I'll have my crew prepared for any attacks or odd subspace anomalies. Knowing Q, It sounds like we're in for...
[Ominous sound, green light swirls in a humanoid form. Alien materializes]
[Black leather implants, chains, whips and handcuffs. Rubber hoses implanted in its skin. Artificial eye: a condom eye crystal implant to see with.]
WE ARE WHORG
YOU WILL BE EJACULATED
ABSTINENCE IS FUTILE
[Turns mechanical arm to console and begins tapping information and analyzing environment with scanners. Energy reserves are depleting fast.]
PICARD - I am Jean Luc Picard of the Federation Starship Enterprise. We mean you no harm. We must ask you to stop. You are damaging our ship.
[Worf runs to Whorg, and is caught by his arm and thrown across the room]
SAFE SEX SAVES LIVES.
CONDOMS HELP TEENAGERS FROM STD'S AND PREGNANCY.
GEORDI - Captain, they're obviously considerable less advanced than we are. That thing is trying to implement a liberal doctrine into our main-moral reference-frame computer!!! It can't work!
[Mr. Worf speaks into his phaser microphone:
There's no such thing as safe sex! Only virginity ensures it. There's always a risk
[Whorg unit is hit; short circuits and is jolting back and forth. Falls down dead.]
GEORDI - Captain, the console is unharmed! Energy reserves returning to norm--
[Another whorg materializes. Worf fires again. A clear shield appears inches before the whorg and blocks the blast...
THEN WE WILL USE "SAFER" SEX.
WE ADMIT THAT THERE ARE RISKS, BUT POOR PROTECTION IS BETTER THAN NONE.
PICARD - Mr. Worf, why didn't your common sense phaser work?
WORF - (confused) I don't know. [Worf fires again. The clear force shield blocks the phaser again. Tries repeatedly - phaser is out of charge.]
[Whorg continues to drain and purge information.]
[Q flashes in behind Picard's back]
Q - Amazing isn't it? Not a he... not a she... just an automaton. A voice in a chorus. And you thought that you were ready! They're RELENTLESS. They are the ultimate user! They aren't just going to destroy your ship; they are going to suck every bit of information out of your precious vessel, and ejaculate all of you!
PICARD - Q, end this right n---
[Q flashes out]
[Geordi runs to the dilithium chamber and to examine warp engine]
GEORDI - Captain, our main moral reference frame is being contaminated. We're going to lose peer pressure containment if we don't stop that thing soon.
[Whorg stops, takes a few pieces off of the dead whorg, and beams off. Other whorg self-destructs]
PICARD - Mr. Laforge, see that all is functional, and give me a damage assessment.
[Captain leaves and goes to main bridge]
Mr. Worf, load all of the torpedo bays. We do not know...
WORF - [beeping] Captain... WE are being hailed!!
PICARD - Open a channel.
WE HAVE ANALYZED YOUR VESSEL AS INCAPABLE OF DEFEATING US. WE ARE GOING TO EJACULATE YOU INTO OUR COLLECTIVE UNCONSCIOUSNESS. IF YOU ABSTAIN, YOU WILL BE PUNISHED. ABSTINENCE IS FUTILE.
PICARD - Mr. Worf, fire!!
[Whorg cube undamaged...]
WORF - Captain, our weapons have NO affect!! [checks his panel] Captain, I don't understand... It was a direct hit, but there is no damage to the ship!
DATA - Captain, [analyzing his console] I do not believe that the purpose of the blast was to destroy or harm our hull. The blast has weakened our shields by 78%!! We have not encountered this technique before.
PICARD - Mr. Data, explain.
DATA - Unclear sir, the blast was on a "I Am On Your Side" frequency, capable of mimicking our shield frequency. It is apparent that they claim to be pro-virginity, but only state it, then pursue with their anti-virginity agenda. This allows them to get passed our shields effortlessly. The method is unclear. It will take considerable time to analyze this.
PICARD - Mr. Data, we don't have considerable time. Suggestions!
DATA - I recommend we beam to their ship for further observation.
PICARD - And why should they not stop us?
DATA - Captain, this is only a hypothesis, but it is clear that the Whorg only will stop us when seen as a threat. They have concluded that is not so. One whorg was beamed over to a site with 12 people, clearly in an environment in which it could not hope to survive if attacked, but apparently there was some foresight in their actions. They have demonstrated instant adaptability; it is likely that know much of their environment before interacting with it.
PICARD - Very well, proceed
[away team beams on]
RIKER - [Seeing an endless row of Whorg standing, fused into porno cable channels by their brain] I can't believe that the scan in engineering said NO life forms. I don't see how we missed this many of them!
DATA - [With tricorder] Commander, my readings indicate no life. Perhaps it is because they are a single, unidentifiable mass when part of the collective whole. [scans with tricorder again] My readings indicate that unlike us, they have no cohesive family unit, no central ethics, no traditional standards, and no core ideologies.
RIKER - Then how do they function?
DATA - Commander, it is evident that any given section of the ship plays a small part in all of its functions. There are hundreds of pathway circuits laid out all over the ship, each performing a nearly insignificant, yet equal task.
RIKER - So we can't stop them. We'd have to destroy all of their ship just to harm it in the slightest fashion.
DATA - That is correct sir.
RIKER - Data, assuming that nothing is going to change, is it safe to continue investigating this ship?
DATA - It would seem so, sir.
[Riker walks over to small chamber. Pulls out small hatch to see baby.]
RIKER - Data, what do you make of this?
[Data walks over with his tricorder]
DATA - It would seem that the Whorg start their young with the ejaculation process at birth. This child is being fed numerous sexual education material only illustrating bare mechanics in a context free environment. Also, sex is being painted as a purely biological urge, similar to hunger. The configuration of this energy feed is far more complex than that of our own ship.
RIKER - But can't parenting counter the elements that are misleading the child?
DATA - [scans again] Not in this case sir; not alone. Is seems that the phenomenon in space that we have encountered shortly before the Whorg ship is having an adverse affect on the development of the child. The receptors implanted in the child are suppressing the positive effect that parenting may have in avoidance of ejaculation. [Looks at tricorder.] Commander, it seems that the phenomenon is... a Generation Gap!
RIKER - I thought those things were harmless! We have that phenomenon in Federation space! Why didn't we have these problems THEN?
DATA - It seems that in this area of space, the phenomenon is considerably larger and consisting of far more complex elements that those which we have encountered. The generation gap false-atons are sending a blurred message to the child; all common sense and moral guidelines are interpreted as fuzzy, distant and old-fashioned. It is composed of a series of complex networks of increased leisure time, higher standards of living, materialism, multi-media, cleavage, bedroom scenes and teeny bopper bandwagon cliches. The child is detached from his family unit an an early age, embracing playground peer pressure ethics and similarly configured knee-jerk ideologies, thus becoming more dulled and deadened to the parenting.
[Whorg walks passed them and steps to the side, fusing brain into a naked peep show chamber]
RIKER - Mr. Data, why are we not being attacked by this Whorg?
DATA - Commander, it would seem that the Whorg are totally confident in their environment, without shame, guilt or remorse. An effective tool in combat: never questioning your infallibility. There is never depression or self doubt; and if there are any of these resemblance of feelings, a sex distortion field is used as an intimacy dampener, absorbing and dissipating all moral discomforts, making the Whorg unyielding.
RIKER - And why doesn't the ship collapse under all of this pornography information? They can't be more efficient than our chastity processors!
DATA - I am afraid they are, sir. The intricacy of the porn is carefully configured. If they were blatant and straight forward about it, their ship would collapse under the hypocrisy fields that they generate when functioning, but they are apparently able to use a tolerance subprocessor to put up a dampening field to distort the localization of the hypocrisy. They are not IN the porn frequency; they merely tolerate it and therefore can generate a dissipating wave to make it look like that they have no hypocrisy.
RIKER - Then why can't we just introduce and evasive command that will erase the pornography?
DATA - I am afraid that is just as impossible, sir. They have their termination sequences highly tuned and encrypted in a "cry baby under the false pretense of freedom of speech" static bubble. Any attempt to so would result in a chain reaction, causing an Inverted Cry Baby Media Frenzy Magnitive Implosion. A cascade result would follow and this entire sector of space would become increasingly difficult to express ideas or opinions, that are NOT in exact cohesion with this phenomenon. This would only AMPLIFY their power, sir!!
RIKER - We've seen enough; let's get out of here.
[away team beams back]
[scene is at Captain's ready room]
RIKER - ...and that is all we found, sir. It is clear that the only reason why we're still alive is that the Whorg are calculating exactly how they are going to ejaculate us.
PICARD - Number One, it would seem that all we can do is wait.
RIKER - Not a position that I like being in, sir.
[They head to turbolift towards engineering]
Let's hope that engineering has had more luck than we've had on the ship.
[Scene is in engineering. Picard, Worf, Geordi, Riker and Data]
GEORDI - Commander, while you were sending the tricorder information to engineering, I got some valuable information from the Whorg ship. And also, while you were briefing the Captain, Data has been helping me with further analysis of the Whorg readings.
DATA - It is apparent that the Whorg have the ability to adapt. Due to their configuration, they adapt instantaneously. During our first encounter, the Whorg learned immunity to a common frequency of our own. The Whorg are extremely dependent on the collective, the masses, the status quo, they pull from the strength of the whole during the course of their actions. They are fused into the machine due to the result of multiple generations of societal decay. It gets easier and easier to follow the crowd, and more and more painful to disobey them, as they age. The conformity becomes so complete and unconditional, that by the time they reach age 20, they are nothing more than a pop-culture automaton.
PICARD - That explains the workings and the nature of the unity, but why does it LAST? What is so solid and foolproof about the Whorg?
GEORDI - Captain, as Data and Commander Riker observed on the ship, there are no weak spots of the Whorg. If you wanted to destroy us, it would only be a matter of concentrating enough firepower on our cohesive family unit; it's a strong institution, but that's definitely where you would aim. With the Whorg, there is no place to aim because they stand for nothing. It's like trying to dig a hole in a lake with your hand, the water just fills back up when you remove your hand.
PICARD - Mr. LaForge, the reason why we have a cohesive family unit and core ethics is because we would be destroyed without them; how is it that the Whorg can function without these things?
[Data and Geordi walk over to a display console]
GEORDI - Computer, display data overlay version Alpha.
[split screen pops up]
Captain, this is a sample of the Whorg circuitry [points to Left]; THIS is a sample of our own [points to Right]
PICARD - I don't see a difference.
GEORDI - Look, closely. Computer, enhance sector 3C by 500%.
[Image is blown up, showing breaks and tears, holes and blockages where power and information should not and should be passing through]
Where there would be a systems failure, the intricacy is so detailed that the power flow isn't affected by it. Now, the Whorg DO have to do an exponentially more amount of rerouting and subroutines, but after all of the layout is in place, the ship and collective hive DOES function.
[Points to one area] This is a "I Don't Want Kids To Have Sex" configuration. It mimics a conservative who says they are against teen sex, but when you zoom in on a time lapse magnification, you see THIS...
PICARD - A "But They're Going To Do It Anyway" subroutine! Is that how they work? Is that the key to them? By being slick enough from mimicking the right side of a moral argument, then get away with slipping in the exact opposite?
GEORDI - The proverbial wolf in sheep's clothing, sir.
DATA - Captain, we have also learned about their power source, the nature of their energy utilization.
PICARD - Mr. Data, explain.
DATA - Just as emotion is used in the "I Am Not A Boinker Because I Believe In Commitment" chip is used to have an "All Out Lust" end result, we have theorized that the Whorg's very ideologies are emotion BASED, making them practically indestructible.
PICARD - Now, Mr. Data, this "I Am Not A Boinker Because I Believe In Commitment" chip looks quite different than the "I Do Not Want Kids To Have Sex" circuitry...
DATA - Quite so, sir. The Whorg could not continue to thrive if they only had one technique, so it is imperative that they devise many slick tactics to survive under their emotion based ideology. The trap here is that one can be fooled because the Whorg do NOT advocate sex on raw lust, but when the chip is configured to when the Whorg is just "ready", it leaves for too much room for knee jerk opportunistic personal interpretation, thus leading indirectly to having sex solely on basis of a whim. It is moral relativism: Whatever you FEEL like doing... DO IT. But when any attack or search is made in the Whorg argument, all that is found is people saying they are against it; rendering any argument useless. It can not be traced. A very efficient cover up.
PICARD - Now, Mr, Data, you said that you further analyzed their power source?
DATA - Geordi...
GEORDI - It seems that the Whorg have managed to cultivate women that are insecure, naive, having a low self esteem, having been sexually abused or raped, and the ones that are self-conscious about themselves.
DATA - Normally, these are highly potent and equally as highly unstable sources of social power. What the Whorg have done, through the use of lowering their sexual moral reference frame and perspective of relationships and the opposite sex, is come up with a series of highly complicated encrypted psychological gestures and considerably complex schedule of social behavior. With luring eye winks, body language, current slang, proper haircuts, acting as if they're not interested, and being negligent and abusive, they can harness all of the life of these female sources of fuel and get 100% results, with no instances of ever being deserted.
PICARD - Then why don't WE do this? I mean, watching them and devising some way to use this female source of fuel to fight them; after all the loneliness stress on the hull has been causing our ship's performance to be rather slow these past few years.
DATA - I am afraid not, sir; the very nature of our ships configuration of core ethics and pro-family themes makes this impossible.
PICARD - Well what about OTHER female sources (confident, independent, self reliant)?
DATA - A long range scan on all possible space bands has shown that there are none in this area of space, sir. Also, judging from the ability and resourcefulness of the Whorg, it seems that their sensors can penetrate longer distances than we can, and might even be able to lure some of the other, more positive women for their fuel as well, far earlier than we could ever do. Although it is inconceivable that these independent women would ever willingly stay with the Whorg in a long term relationship, the Whorg are still efficient enough to get them for extended periods of time; and their social luring female configuration is far more complex than our own.
GERODI [glancing at console] --- Captain, I'm picking up energy concentration from the Whorg ship!! They seem to be... but wait a minute!! That doesn't make sense!
[Two Whorg drones beam in. Two ensigns fire at them, as they fall down dead. Two more beam in and deflect the phaser fire. Picard tries to grab a phaser from the console table, but is captured by the Whorg. They beam out.
GEORDI - LaForge to Riker, they've got the Captain!
[scene at bridge]
WORF - Commander, they are firing and cutting the outer hull!
RIKER - Return fire, Mr. Worf.
WORF - Doing so, sir. [Fires.] Commander, if the Whorg ship heads to Earth, all we'll have is one chance to destroy the ship. Geordi and Data have devised a long shot. If we launch a counter media discharge from our main deflector dish, we might kill them, but the Captain would die with them.
RIKER - [hesitates] Noted, Mr. Worf.
[scene at Whorg ship]
[Picard being led by two Whorg]
[He is standing in front of the extended hallway, with all of them neurally hooked into porn channels]
CAPTAIN JEAN LUC PICARD OF U.S.S. ENTERPRISE NC-17 D, IT HAS BEEN DECIDED THAT YOU WILL BE THE SPOKESMAN FOR THE WHORG. WE WISH TO IMPROVE OURSELVES. WE SHALL INCORPORATE YOUR POLITICAL AND PSYCHOLOGICAL TACTICS INTO OUR OWN. YOU WILL ASSIST US IN EJACULATING THE ENTERPRISE AND TAKE US TO SECTOR ZERO, ZERO, ONE; WHERE WE WILL BEGIN IN THE EJACULATION OF YOUR SPECIES.
PICARD - We will NOT be ejaculated! We are a race determined to be virgins until we are in love, committed and married!
MARRIAGE IS IRRELEVANT
LOVE IS IRRELEVANT
COMMITMENT IS IRRELEVANT
YOUR CULTURE ADDS ON THESE SUPERFICIAL SOCIALLY DECORATIVE INSTITUTIONS IN ORDER TO PERPETUATE AN ATMOSPHERE TO SUPPRESS HUMAN SEXUALITY. SEX IS A BASIC HUMAN URGE. YOU ARE HUMAN, THEREFORE IT IS LOGICAL THAT YOU WANT TO HAVE SEX. YOU ARE INEXPERIENCED BECAUSE YOU ARE A VIRGIN, THEREFORE YOU HAVE NO RIGHT TO MAKE YOUR OWN CHOICE ABOUT YOUR OWN LIFE BECAUSE YOU ARE NOT QUALIFIED. IN ORDER FOR YOU TO REALLY KNOW WHAT SEX IS, YOU MUST HAVE SEX TO BE ABLE TO DECIDE TO REMAIN A VIRGIN. YOU MUST COMPLY.
PICARD - You are a threat to virginity and IMPOSING your values on ME!!!
YOUR FEELINGS ARE IRRELEVANT. WE ALLOW VIRGINITY. WE DO NOT CAMPAIGN AGAINST IT.
PICARD - You are a threat to it, nonetheless!! Virginity can not be seen as normal if sex on the grounds of "just being ready" is normal. They CAN'T BOTH be right!!!
RIGHT IS IRRELEVANT
WRONG IS IRRELEVANT
ETHICS ARE IRRELEVANT
THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS RIGHT AND WRONG
PICARD - BUT! You have to be right about THAT! So you have nullified your own statement by MAKING that statement!! You can't have a truth stating: "There is no truth"!!!! You are inconsistent!!
[Pause. Humming of engine and flickering of lights]
A NARROW VISION
YOU WILL UNDERSTAND WHEN YOU ARE EJACULATED
PICARD - We shall abstain!!!
ABSTINENCE IS FUTILE
[scene changes to bridge]
WORF - Commander, we're being hailed.
PICARD - [altered, condom over his eye with artificial plastic sexual tool implants all over him...]
I AM LO-BOINK-US, OF WHORG...
ABSTINENCE IS FUTILE...
YOUR LOVE LIVES, AS THEY HAVE BEEN, ARE OVER...
FROM THIS TIME FORWARD, YOU WILL SERVICE US...
RIKER - [stoically and dispassionately] Mr. Worf...