A lot of people have supported me in my hardcore web page VIRGIN RESISTANCE (Chris was mostly one of them); and they have sympathized with all of the anger and alienation that I feel due to this pop culture and the incredible moral ruin that we are in. A few idiots have thought that my anger is misplaced and think that people like me are making all of this up. Well, now I have a friend DEAD because of the problems that you tell me that I am arrogant for saying exist!! Chris and I shared and incredible amount of common rage and pain together; it was ironic because we come from radically different backgrounds - he came from a violent background and had much run ins with problems of drugs, alcohol and sex. Still, the contribution that he has made to me is incalculable; his memory will live with me forever.
Today (June 17 1997; Thursday) was a unique day for me; I bought a new CD at the Acadiana Mall, and ran into a friend of mine by seeing him with my roommate's sister-in-law by random chance! They didn't know that both of them, knew ME! I saw them, coming out of the Mall parking lot, and pulled over into the lot to greet them. I was clowning my friend, who was tickled and amused by my euphoria about the new CD being released. I then felt impacted by an incredible confirmation, that I was happy to be alive.
Anyway, today I have FINALLY resolved a very important plank in my ideology:
To make a long story short, Chris and I shared a belief that suicide was justifiable if you could make the case that you are just a cog in today's systematic sin, rape, murder and so forth. If you are eliminated, you have won against society and are no longer used as a cog to be pimped and used unconsciously in this sick world in which we live. He even thought of using the Bible passage that tells you to cut off your hand if it causes you to sin, that God would accept suicide if you saw that you were on a hopeless path of repeating sin.
Now, after years of spending my life in a mindset of fantasizing about violence and debating suicide, I had "degraded" to the point till where I could see myself indiscriminatly killing strangers; just because I was mad at the world. That mindset which I became used to, helped me see that I was justified in staying in this world and fighting against it, even if my actions resulted in setting groundwork for some girl to be gang raped in 2014 (by not adequately fighting against our rape culture), or misleading people that I encounter in my life, or whatever...
Staying alive in my choice to NOT commit suicide, is now 100% justifiable to me, because God will resolve and repair all of that. Those who suffer will be rewarded. It is out of my hands. I am now fully in this game and am ALLOWED to fail, when I fall short. Jesus Christ is my salvation from my own sin!
Recently, I made a statement to another friend of mine that feeling so oppressed in this hopeless world, caused me to want to kill myself and at the same time fight this world. It made me reject suicide because my oppression showed that there was a FIGHT to be fought, and made me too angry TO commit suicide; but even that wasn't enough. So I have my NEW resolution that I have mentioned above.
The irony to all of this is that about a month before he killed himself, he was pressing me hard about going in telecommunications or political science (instead of computer science) in the pursuit of my multi-media missions, and I said "Well no problem, I'll just blow my f---ing head off!!" in response to him asking if my plan was wrong or flawed. And HE was the one to be so stern about how suicide was wrong and against God's plan. Ironic, huh? Now, even in his death, he has given me yet another gift; a second time in my life of me having a reason to go on and STILL care!
One time Chris even told me that if ever a day should come where I decided that I just couldn't take it anymore, "Call me, Brother! We're going out together!"
With him gone now, that will never happen.
I have so much more to say about Chris Bullen, but this will have to do.
Rest in Peace, my Brother!
I love you, man!
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