(Hardcore Nerdology)

An explanation of the sub-culture to which I belong

Rape Roulette
Written May 27 1997
(Game show of the future... no make that today)

What is a Hardcore Nerd? [-INCOMPLETE-]

The Doctrines Of Hardcore Nerdology

Translations of things my friends and family tell me

****Mistakes of Dating Made by the Masses (seen through a hardcore nerd's eyes)

****After The Fact (Now that you've had sex)

Slang (Updated may 15 1997) phrases and power words to use in debate or verbal confrontation

****Hit List of incidents that I've gone through and my vendetta point chart that I'm keeping with society. (Intended for just fun and to be an example to others so they too can make models of their rage to better articulate it; making it easier to deal with)

Isolated skits demonstrating Hardcore Nerdology...

The Intended Method of displaying these writings

What is a Hardcore Nerd?

(May 4 1997)

I've come to call my own compliment to social conservatism "Hardcore Nerdology". Basically, all this is based on the premise that when society gets to a point of systematic moral decay (and therefore clearly expressed in its media and leisure time) there is a certain faction in the human population that (for whatever reason) will see the true root themes of all of this mess and will be able to detect the seeds in someone's life when they start to be led down that path. Any statistical source that includes someone's life and background will trace problems in their present life (illicit sex, divorce, drugs, violence) to previous elements that built for years and finally gave this product. There is no hope to eliminate or genuinely deal with these problems unless we strike at the root; and that is where this societal multi-media sub-culture revolution must come in. The nerds, a sub-culture pushed away from mainstream society, are the insiders that see roots of this mess.

I CAN say this easily in few words, but I have about five different ways to do so, and it is difficult to choose which start to start from...

Return to Mission III

Translations of things told to me by family and friends

What they tell me...

What they are really saying

Kirk, you can't save the world. Don't try at anything.
Kirk, I'll tell you what's wrong with the way you go after women: You try too hard. Initiative is a sin. It's wrong and evil to want to make a difference. You don't conform to our standards, so you are wrong. You see women as equals, and when you approach them, you come across as desperate. Look at women as not a big deal and objects; then you will get them.
Kirk, don't let that get to you If you want to change something that you see wrong, then you are weak. Strong people let all these bad things happen because they are brave enough to realize that they can't change anything.
Kirk, you come across as too radical; you're going to turn people off. Be a fence straddler and swear that you're on everyone's side, regardless if that's possible or not. There is no right and wrong. Idiots have principles. Smart people learn how to go with the flow.
Kirk, your woman trouble is that you're looking; that'll never work. You have to stop looking to find someone. Regard women as inferior and objects and then they will come to you. Conform; you'll be rewarded. You can achieve happiness by not caring.
Kirk, you know what your problem is? You think too much. The problem is that you don't think the way WE do! I order you not to think! You are a threat to the norm; you'll disturb the flow. You must be dealt with.

Back to top of Mission III

The Doctrines of Hardcore Nerdology

(click on them for an elaboration)

(Updated may 1997)

1 It's never over
2 Know thy enemy
3 How many times do you repeat yourself?
Until your heard!
4 Yelling your opinions doesn't make them facts
5[FOUNDING DOCTRINE] If someone dates more than you do, you are either inferior or oppressed.
6 Everyone is the enemy
7 Ferris Bueller: you can never got to far
8 Society dictates most peoples sexual habits, as well as the belief that they have them because of free will, not society
9 No ethical issue is too old or too small
10 If you do NOT politicize and issue, you are not doing it justice
11 Statistics exist only so that you can dig into them long enough to find what you already believed before you found them
12 Trial and error is the foundation of science
13 Everyone has it as bad as you do, they're just to unaware to realize it; that's why they're happier
14 Violence is ALWAYS the LAST solution; but it is always a solution
15 Premarital sex is not a choice, it is an institution that exists nomadically as a mind set
16 No national issue is to big too be handled
17 Anyone who gives you advice on how to do something that they scoff at you for doing is a complete hypocrite
18 You can not justify one extreme on the grounds that you are avoiding another
19 Emotion always wins over logic; DON'T fight it with logic. Present logic in an atmosphere of emotion
20 You're NORMAL - the WORLD is screwed up!!!!!!!!!
21 Until someone solves the problem, they have no basis telling you that YOUR solutions are wrong
22 There's no such thing as overkill
There's no such thing as extremism
23 Imagination is part of reality
Much reality comes from imagination
24 The power of God resides within you
25 Equal time is NOT equal time
26 People are idiots
27 People DO care!!!!!!!
28 Keep it simple
29 Strike at the roots
30 No matter how much of a kook you are, you can find a million people who think the way you do
31 It's all about power
32 Never forget
33 Things don't "just happen"
34 Your opponent giving you a compliment related to your very argument on which they oppose you is NOT a nice gesture of due credit; they only use it as leverage to attack you more harshly.
35 The little things aren't little.
36 You become what you tolerate

First of all, let me say that these are in the order that I wrote them down in life, not in any chronological order in which I adopted them.

And now, the explanations...

[1] It's never over

This one is pretty self-explanatory. No matter what issue of a specific incident there may be, there is always the bigger general moral problem in society that exists that made the issue from which you are suffering. Political dogfighting and party conflict will go on and on, yet elections come and go. The masses in their state of understandable (but ill-founded) apathy and cynicism, tend to regard each election or legislation fight as a done deal and "It's over", and sneering at anyone who continues to analyze the causes of these incidents on the grounds that nothing matters anymore. For example, when I was watching the results of Bobdole against Slick Willie the next morning, I stated to someone that Clinton got the female vote (60%) but Bobdole got the male vote (50+ percent). He said that it all didn't mean anything because the race was over. I fought with this person for years about this apathy, so it made sense to hear something like that out of his mouth. It's never over! The accusations of conservatism being the ideology of the angry white male and all of the splits in this country go on and on! Separate, isolated events (i.e. elections, legislation battles, lawsuits) come and go but the moral battle just finds different manifestations and rages on!

This was inspired by the 306-J woman from "Outta Line". One day I was still stressing out about her after she had long made it clear that she wanted nothing to do with me, and then I realized that the ISSUE may come and die, but the ethics from it play a part in your growth and development. Debating over the ton of ethical questions that I had to answer for myself as a result of that incident helped me to solidify in my morals that I have been developing and fine tuning all of my life. Since then I've added 35 more.

Also, I later had this seem so real to me because after a point (when you see entities like FAIR and Rush Limbaugh go at it) it is clear that moral issues and power struggles will never be resolved until Judgement Day. Moral debates never seem to have the finality and conclusion as a "scientific" test (DNA test or so forth). Therefore I look at these struggles in this nation and say "It's never over".

[2] Know thy enemy

This may seem like another no-brainer. Like my first few, these are dating back to 1994 and I can't remember the exact, detailed thought or incident that resulted in my getting that split-second inspiration, but I'm sure it came from something along the lines of people always telling me to relax, chill, that I think about "that stuff" too much and so on and so on.

Moderation kills.

Too often, people go with the general glob of morals that they have acquired in life and do very little to refine them and draw conclusions being consistent with their exact same instilled morality. For example, I have a problem with many conservatives that agree with me on the rhetoric of media bias, the pop-culture and so forth, but they often disagree with me on inescapable conclusions on that premise. When I hear my fellow conservatives campaign against these liberal organs that we both despise, I hear more rhetoric than substance and my planks are regarded as too extreme. Also, I see my fellow (male mostly) conservatives sounding like liberals at times when it comes to sexual issues and such.

So, cases like these cause me to assert that more people (than not) are in these comfort zones and sloppy brackets of their values and this results in a second rate execution of their ideals as well as acceptance and implementation of them

Once again, rehearsing and training yourself and continuing to think about all of this and hitting the exact same problem from many different angles is too often written as excessive or obsessive by most people, when in reality, this fine tunes and trains you to be sharp. A slip up or poorly defended point can stick out like a sore thumb, especially when you want to debate about the future of a nation, or the sexual outlook that a future generation should have. This is high stakes and no retreat here. I pride myself on my relentlessness and repeated analyzation while many would discredit it.

[3] How many times do you repeat yourself?
Until your heard!

I thought of this one just because people tell me that I say the same thing over five times and that I make the same point five different ways. That's no accident. Until the damage goes away, the citing of it should never stop.

[4] Yelling your opinions doesn't make them facts

This is just for those who are intimidated by the glamor in the media, and the asset of the pop-culture concordance that many mainstream conformists have. Easily swayed people tend to go with the loudest yellers, biggest intimidaters, and psychological manipulaters.


[5] If someone dates more than you do, you are either inferior or oppressed.

(Sentiment realized in 1992 - articulated in 1994)

The two schools that I went to were nothing but systematic breeding grounds for crowd conformity and teen sex. I went to a little NAZI white supremacist school called Sacred Heart Elementary in Ville Platte Louisiana. I went to a public school for 9-12. I learned in elementary that if you are stupid enough to fight the crowd for one second in your life, then you are going to be fighting them for every second for the REST of your life. It was a whitebred racist haven. It was the perfect school of the southern white secluded enviroment where the black go to the public schools with the common whites and the snot whites get to have their own haven stuck in the 1880's. Now, also, I never saw my dad happy like he should have been in life (he never found his niche) and I also knew that Mom was the 3rd or 4th girl that he ever dated, and they were childhood sweethearts. It always bothered me how non-chalant he was and told me not to worry about finding someone and it would happen. It always pissed me off and it was always tough for me, and I saw how ruthless the dating battle field was and the childish mind games which became teenage mind games and then adult mind games my generation played and always had an uphill battle in finding a damn woman. So, that's how I got so obsessed with dating; those TWO strong elements worked very well together. Ever since I was a little kid, it always disgusted me how people didn't appreciate the opposite sex and how they regarded relationships and dating as such recreational things. I always hated the way that people pitted the sexes against each other and all of the little "boys against the girls" sandbox games. Now, I saw quick in life that the jerks were the ones who dated the most, and the guys who conformed the most and thought the least about women were the ones that had the most success with them. It's a fact. Now, let me tell you an exchange that happened between me and one of my fellow nerd soldiers to give you the ideal understanding of why this issue led to the seriousness that it was (AND STILL IS TO ME)...

One time way back in 1992 when I was 18, one guy read an essay in ENGL 102. It was about his childhood; saying that he had a flat floor that he called a treehouse and played in it from time to time. As he grew older, he said "driving, girls and going out" came into his life and he neglected his treehouse; then one day he noticed that is rotted away. Now, when I was getting into a heated conversation with my fellow nerd soldier, I mentioned that this guy just mentioned "girls" coming into his life like it was an unconscious thing! GIRLS CAME into his life like peach fuzz or a cracked voice! That same thing was something that I had infinite trouble with! So, my nerd solider (being a poor defender of the nerd faith) looked at me, sneered at me while pointing his finger and said...

And that just P***ED you off, didn't it???

Yeah it p***ed me off!!! Now he tried to curb the issue by saying that used to bother him also, and that he just "realized" that not everyone can be good at everything...

I said WHAT!?!?!?!?!!?!?!

You see, this was the first time in my life that I was forced to articulate the rage that I felt when this exact issue came up. So, without a blink, I went to work on his weak argument:

[POINT 1]: If someone is better at swimming or poetry reading than you, that is OK. You don't start asserting that there is some civil right violation of some kind. But you DO NOT ration away the opposite sex and relationships as poker chips when it gets convenient!! Dating and falling in love is something very personal and intimate; it is not something that people "are just not good at"; they have either intimacy problems brought out by their environment or have been warped in some other fashion.

Loneliness is not a choice made BY you; it is a choice made FOR you.

(That may come across as radical)

If some guy dates more than me, and it is not an issue of me respecting women less or being rude or inconsiderate, then there is INJUSTICE!! When someone like me with his right-winged views on sex is shot at, people usually use rhetoric like "You can't dictate to people" so why should I let someone dictate to me about when I want to date someone? Don't I have that right? So why do people give me such a hard time for just asserting that I have the right to date? The fact is that while I spent my entire childhood and highschool years so worried about morals, the guys who dated the most were the ones who cared the least about relationships.

I didn't conform and I was punished.

Now, I know from this VERY moment, all people reading this are going to put ME in the hotseat... You will say that I am the one with the problem; I try too hard; I shouldn't let this get to me; I am imagining all this up; I am "just unlucky"...


And by the way, all of my female friends have total and complete respect for me. They have told me that I will make a great boyfriend and husband. So, I have had some input from the female side. The reason why I get these good reviews from women as friends, but can't make the jump to dating is because I never sharpened my skills of probing the market, and "feeling" the atmosphere like some son of a bitch sexual predator. I was always bombarding myself with moral and ethical questions when I pursued women and have lost the savage element that you need in today's society to date. I ran a big personal ad at school and got a few calls, and when conversation got to dating and relationships, I gave my answers quick, hard and clear; these women were impressed. There was nothing that they could ask me that I hadn't gone over 10000 times before; but they never called back. I guess my logic and passion failed; I should have used some bar fly Joe boinker mind techniques to sweet talk them and make their lips wet to make them attracted to me. Every time I pick put a girl in the crowd, it's never the right one. There is nothing wrong with me; the world is messed up! I have set a higher standard for myself than the low denominator that many have sunken to and that makes me the radical. Go figure.

[6] Everyone is the enemy

Now this may offend a lot of people and come across as unnecessarily paranoid. I happen to believe that this is perfectly consistent with the Christian doctrine of Original Sin (that we are all inherently sinful and imperfect from birth by choice). I use this to set the tone for the way we should regard our nature and the true essence of competition and war. This also comes from a "me against the world" mentality that I have been shown by society in many ways.

This is also a round about way of saying

[7] Ferris Bueller: you can never got to far

[8] Society dictates most peoples sexual habits, as well as the belief that they have them because of free will, not society

It blows my mind how people defend the watered down morals of a pop-culture while they suffer from it. The quintessential beaten wife mentality.

[9] No ethical issue is too old or too small

[10] If you do NOT politicize and issue, you are not doing it justice

Everything leads into a political fight. TAXES ans SEX, as I have told my school newspaper.

[11] Statistics exist only so that you can dig into them long enough to find what you already believed before you found them

[12] Trial and error is the foundation of science

[13] Everyone has it as bad as you do, they're just to unaware to realize it; that's why they're happier

[14] Violence is ALWAYS the LAST solution; but it is always a solution

[15] Premarital sex is not a choice, it is an institution that exists nomadically as a mind set

[16] No national issue is to big too be handled

[17] Anyone who gives you advice on how to do something that they scoff at you for doing is a complete hypocrite

[18] You can not justify one extreme on the grounds that you are avoiding another

Nazi dictatorship? What about pop culture forbidding dating?

[19] Emotion always wins over logic; DON'T fight it with logic. Present logic in an atmosphere of emotion

[20] You're NORMAL - the WORLD is screwed up

[21] Until someone solves the problem, they have no basis telling you that YOUR solutions are wrong

[22] There's no such thing as overkill; there's no such thing as extremism

[23] Imagination is part of reality
Much reality comes out of imagination

[24] The power of God resides within you

[25] Equal time is NOT equal time

[26] People are idiots

[27] People DO care

[28] Keep it simple

[29] Strike at the roots

[30] No matter how much of a kook you are, you can find a million people who think the way you do

[31] It's all about power

[32] Never forget

[33] Things don't "just happen"

Divorce, you just grew up in a bad area.

[34] Your opponent giving you a compliment related to your very argument on which they oppose you is NOT a nice gesture of due credit; they only use it as leverage to attack you more harshly.

[35] The little things aren't little.

"College logic" quote from watching stripping: I'm not going to stop it by not going to it.

[36] You become what you tolerate

Paper virgins.

Back to top

Slang phrases and power words

(updated may 15 1997)

Emotion is a beautiful tool and should be used to get a point across, never as a tool to circumvent fact or distort the issue, though. So, here are a few stabs:

One of my new ones:

Donkey Porn: Use this to refer to the animalistic nature of pornography. Too often, the pro-porn crowd and the masses that tolerate them aren't shown the true scope of this raunchy and savage material, so this helps tag a little disrespect to the filth.

Boinker sympathizer: This is good to attack those guys who don't live the lifestyle of the Joe Six-pack going to strip clubs, but actually defend it. This is eloquent because you get to attach the phrase "boinker" to them, even though they are not boinkers! And why not? Tolerance is acceptance!

Semi-boinker: Safe explanatory.

Fake Bloomer: I'm so sick of society labeling me a "late bloomer" because I dated 3 times (technically; a bad first kiss and two proms in which both times the girl screwed some other guy that night) in highschool and remained a virgin. I've seen the doctrine of Pseudo-adulthood used as a subset of the religion of Moral Relativism today. So, I retaliate by saying "Hey! Flopping into having a girlfriend because you take the values that your are spoon-fed through the lack of hold that your parents have on you, and taking in the locker room talk and school ground whims are just physical, tangible things that you do to 'elevate' yourself in adulthood! It isn't real!" So I came up with this term.

Pepums: ABBRV. Pro Pre Marital Sexers. I pronounce it (peepums).

Props: ABBRV. Another word for Pro-Premarital sexer. Also prop is a fake cheap cardboard mass produced cloned cut out, like many are with their sexual values today. I invented this one later, so I like it a bit better than peepums.

Boinkmate: A G-rated version of the term "***k-buddy". Used to denote a sex based relationship.

Hornography: A slur of "horny" and "pornography". Since horny refers to the state before cheap sex, this term refers to the teaser to porn; the prelude. This is the late-night rated TV and music videos like Shania Twain shaking their stuff that guys lust over, but done without nudity. Variation: horno-porno.

Bikini blitz: Cool ring to it. Use this to refer to the pro-sex media that we have. The B's have a sting to them!

Wet breast contest: Use this instead of wet T-shirt contest. It sounds more demeaning and it really is more descriptive. Wet T-shirt contest sounds like a Haynes Public Relation function showing off a new line of clothes.

String-thing piece of latex: Use this instead of "condom". It's more demeaning, and once again, more accurate.

Teen boinking: Replace this with "teen sex" or "sexually active".

Biologized: The "scientific" way of thinking that focuses on the tangible and empirical. Intimacy and God doesn't exist... My friend made this one up.

Return to top of Mission III

Method: Hardcore Nerdology Depiction

They only way to capture the full essence of what I mean by a "Hardcore Nerd" is to be overly general. And the only way that I can be specific is to explain it piece by piece, thus causing me to lose some of the essence. The only hope that I have is to gamble that from the direct, linear explanations being combined with the skits like "Outta Line" and "KT9 Die Intro" (When I Die-Intro) will produce a mental image or feel that will convey the full essence of the mind set. I'll use the following analogy:

Most people see in blue light. I see in red. I mold a structure in blue glass for me to see it easily when I work with it (if I used red glass, it would appear invisible to me). Now, I want to show someone else how this structure looks, but it is impossible for me to change their eyes so that they see in the fashion that I do, BUT it is possible, with a lot of trouble, to play with the atmosphere and with the other person's eyes in order for them to (for a second) change the pitch of light that they see in. Now, this can only be done for a split second and for a limited surface area of the object that I want this guy to see. So, I change method, each time selecting a new area but one that was close to the previously highlighted area; and I do it back to back. If I am fast enough, the flickering pieces in the room will light up what almost looks like the entire object at the same time. The person will then get the idea of what the object looks like.

My best shot at defining what I am is saying that I have the agenda and values of the all-American kid working at his lemonade stand on the street corner but instead of having got the values from them being totally instilled in me, I had the root and foundation given to me in the home, but the modern day interpretations and fine tunings were learned on the school grounds of today, in the midst of what is now a systematic breeding ground for crowd conformity and mind warping, a petri dish where human minds are the experiment, and the future of this nation is nothing but a red zone in Uncle Sam's poor credit history. I have an intense amount of alienation and rage in my political views, and this belongs in my agenda, because this nation needs to address these serious issues consuming our young, which can only be done by bathing in the rage which these problems have produced. I'm a nerd first; and a conservative second.

back to top of Mission III

Rape Roulette

(The gameshow of today)
(conceived in late 1993! Recent modifications in the on-line version)
(Posted to Virgin Resistance May 27 1997)
(Don't forget Pizza Hut story) in clownsuit

[Lights come on in TV studio with audience...]
[Announcer] And we're back from our break with our singles ready for action! Are you ready??

[Audience] YEAH!!!!!!!!! (applause)

[Announcer] So let's go on with it! Bachelorette#1, Ask away!!

[Bachelorette#1] Bachelor#1, When I tell you that I am going out with my girlfriends, will you forbid me to go out and keep track of me all of the time? Will you let me have time to my friends?"

[Bachelor#1] Look babe, when you're with me, you're mine! That's it. I don't want to have to deal with all of your little friends when you're seeing me. I own you; not your little friends! If they wanna have sex with me; that's OK, but don't you let me catch you with your friends when you tell me you don't feel like going out."

[Bachelorette#1] Bachelor#2, Same Question.

[Bachelor#2] Ha! Same answer, ho!

[Announcer] Now it's Bachelor#3's turn!

[Bachelorette#1] Bachelor#3, what about you?

[Bachelor#3] I don't know what these guys are on, and especially how they get any woman to pay attention to them. I'm not jealous or possesive at all. I look forward to getting into my first relationship and hope that my wife thinks I'm the best husband around. I'll want to meet your friends and hope they become mine, too.

[Announcer] Well, lucky girl Bachelorette#1! Choose the man of your dreams! [Bachelorette#1] It's a hard call! I think...




Bachelor#2 was clearly aimed in what he wants in life and is just too much man for me! I wouldn't know what to do with a REAL man like that! And Bachelor#3, you are clearly such a sweet guy, and I know that you will make that right woman happy, but maybe if you just came across a little differently to women; and don't try so hard and do be so open and honest! Women don't want to be smothered or get serious too fast! Learn to relax just like Bachelor#1 and #2! I know you're disappointed but I just didn't feel anything; it just wasn't there...

[Bachelor#2] Yeah, right! Like I don't have a bunch of whores lined up for me the second I get home! I'm outta here!!!!!!

[-------Bachelor#3 pouts and walks away with his head down. He sees that he will never get laid, and that he is sexually inferior to the womanizers he just lost to, so he goes off and starts a web page called
Virgin Resistance! and pretends to be a concerned moral theologian for the u.S. of America (little "u") and hopes that the smart liberals don't see through his shady web page politics that he in reality is just a loser who can't get laid like everybody else-------]

[Announcer; in regards to the gone Bachelor#3] Sorry Bachelor#3! Guess we didn't make a lust connection! But don't feel bad because you are going with some lovely parting gifts! An economy size squirt bottle of vaseline! In case you get uh... a burn or something. And also a beat up old two door sedan which is the favored vehicle used by child molesters that you will be when you're a 75 year old virgin miserable because you didn't conform in highschool! And if that's not enough, you get a free admission to the restaurant that our couple is going to, so you can watch them enjoy themselves! We won't pay for your food, but that doesn't matter! You'll have a lost appetite because you'll be moping looking at all of the other women that you don't have a chance with either!! Audience! Give this guy a hand!!! (Uh... no pun intended!)


[Announcer] Now, let's bring our young and invincible couple who are on top of the world into the Date Chamber! We could have sprung for a bigger setup on this huge TV studio, but that isn't necessary for we're going to do! Our lovely couple will have a compatibility test right here on TV!!!!!!

[Bachelorette#1] Ooooh! I wasn't even TOLD about this fun part!

[Announcer] (laughs) The bachelorette never is!! Now lets go on with it. Our couple is being led into the glass chamber, os we can see all of the action! We've sealed the Date Chamber and we are listeing in on the microphone... They just sat down on the couch. Oh, he's making the move! He's kissing her! She's kissing him back! Now he's going for the bra...

[Bachelorette#1] Hey! What are you doing?? This is TV!!!

[Bachelor#1] Oh, so now you want out? You picked me didn't you? So now I guess you're just one of those stupid teeny bopper teases, huh?

[Bachelorette#1] NO! I just wanted to meet someone to see if we could like each other. I just...

[Bachelor#1] Well, that's what you're doing, whore!

(her shirt tears; he rips her bra off)

[Bachelorette#1] Get off of me! Hey, somebody! Let me out of here!!!! This maniac's trying to...

[Announcer] Well, it seems that Bachelorette#1 is trying to chicken out of the date! But we don't let you get away with that on this show! Let's see what happens!

(Banging sounds of broken glass and grunts. He backhands her across the face. Clothes tearing.)

He's got his pants around his knees! Oh, her panties just came down! Looks like this is a match made in Heaven!

[Bachelorette#1] LET ME GO!!!!!!!!!!!! SOMEBODY HELP ME!!!!!!!!!! I DON'T WANT TO...

[Announcer] Oh! He's penetrated her! Look how fast his butt is going up and down! He's starting to breathe hard; let's see how long it takes for him to finish!

He's done!

He's getting his pants back up; now lets listen to our secret crotch microphone that we had implanted on Bachelorette#1! Our judges say that they picked up no hymen tearing, so that means that this 18 year old college female WASN'T a virgin!


(crew comes and unlocks the door; Bachelor#1 walks out with s smirk and waits off of the side. Announcer walks in. Bachelorette#1 is bundled up with just her torn blouse draped over her. the rest of her clothes are across the room. She is rocking in place, shivering and crying...)

[Announcer] Well, let's see what our lovely Bacheorlette thought about her dream date!

[Bachelorette#1] (crying) What kind of sick people are you? What is this? (more crying)

[Announcer] Oh, audience! Don't let this little hissy fit fool you! Women are like that sometimes! If she really didn't like her date or thought that something he did to her was wrong, she'd call the cops!! But they seldom EVER do that!! Now, and just to show that we play a fair game, we will have Bachelor#1 stand in front of the gun of Justice. He is standing in front of a giant gun with 100 chambers! Only a few are loaded with candy bullets to represent the true chance of a rape conviction! And if one of our toy candy bulets hit hims, he'll get a slap on the wrist by our lovely assistant, Ginger! (who was the winner of last week's college wet lingerie contest!!!!!!)

(gun spins)



Oh well! Looks like Bachelor#1 is a free man!

[Bachelor#1] Guess that means that I'll see you tommorow! Same time; same place; different woman! Ha! Ha!

[Bachelorette#1] But, he RAPED me!!!!!! And all he gets is THAT!?!? He should stand in front of a gun with ALL the chambers loaded!!!!

[Announcer] Oh no! I'm afraid that you're getting us confused with Sexual Harrasment Roulette in studio 12! In which ALL men who enter the building are tied in front of the gun with ALL of the chambers loaded and are killed instantly! And why not? They're all guilty aren't they????

(he continues...)

but don't worry Bachelorette#1, we have some more lovely winners gifts for you even MORE than your dream date!!! You get a FREE set of photo shots of your naked, beaten body by the police station of your choice!! Sorry, we don't chip in for the air brushing to have any of the blood and scabs removed as some in the past have requested because we think you should remember your dream date JUST the way that it happened! Also, you get a cold, seasoned steak, not to eat, but to put across your face for some of the swelling to go down from when your macho man hit you across the face with his diamond ring!!! PLUS you have a rape examination by the gynecologist of your choice, a rape kit sampling that includes all of the tissue piece from every cavity in your body! And that's not all...

[Audience] Oooooooooooooooooooooohh!

PLUS an all expense paid trip to a courtroom to visit so you can tell your story to a bunch of strangers and be jointly called a sleezy whore who was just asking for it!! Of course with rape reform laws, that shouldn't be, but we always manage to circumvent our legal obligations!!!

And that's about it, folks!!!!!!!

Thanks for tuning in to..................

[Audience] RAPE ROULETTE!!!!!!!!

(applause - theme song of cheesy organ)


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